Tag: personal development

Whole.

Jessica BardLeave a comment

For the past four years, I have felt like there were two ‘me’s.’

–

There was the me that always was—

the one who was quiet but kind,

overthought everything I said,

craved time alone more than company.

–

The one who held more space for others’ opinions

than for my own thoughts about who I was.

–

I lacked boundaries,

yet kept everyone at a distance—

never sure how to protect myself

without shutting the world out.

–

I was exhausted and anxious,

trying to always know better,

please everyone,

be everything I thought I should be.

–

But then I moved—

to a country where nobody knew this “me.”

–

Without the weight of old expectations,

I saw myself more clearly than ever before.

–

With no familiar voices telling me who I was, 

I finally began to listen to myself.

And slowly, a new “me” began to emerge.

–

The me who is brave and soft,

who speaks with intention rather than perfection.

The one who craves quality time with the people I love,

and leaves with a smile on my face.

The one who looks inward for guidance

and accepts that not everyone will like what I find there.

–

I no longer keep people at arm’s length.

I let them see me, the real me—because now, I see myself too.

–

I am still kind, and sometimes quiet,

but now with strength and purpose.

I surprise myself with my resilience.

I have found a greater love for myself,

and through this, a greater capacity for loving others, too.

–

I feel overwhelming joy—

when I do yoga in the sunshine,

cook dinner for my friends,

sip coffee with my roommates,

laugh as I practice a new language.

–

I feel deep sadness, too—

when I go through a breakup,

miss my family back home,

feel lonely, or overwhelmed,

and sometimes for reasons I do not know.

–

For a long time, I believed that only the old me could exist in New York,

and the new me belonged to Israel.

As if I had to choose between them,

as if I could only be whole in one place.

–

But I see now that both have always been within me.

It was never about where I was—

it was about standing strong in who I am.

And once I did, the new me could exist anywhere.

–

When I say I have learned to love myself, 

I mean all of it.

The joyful, the sad, the excited, the heartbroken,

the strong, the fearful, the passionate—me

–

It was only once I accepted this—

that to love myself fully means one part is not more “me” than the other—

that I stopped feeling like there are two of me.

–

Wherever I am, whoever I’m with, whatever I feel—

I am whole

Because I am me.

Written by Jessica Bard.

I’m Lonely and It’s Okay.

Jessica BardLeave a comment

Loneliness. We often think about loneliness as a bad thing–something we should try to avoid at all costs. Like, god forbid we feel lonely sometimes, then we must’ve done something wrong, or there must be something wrong with us. It feels shameful to admit when we’re lonely because we think it must be our fault–that maybe we are a flawed human being. Yet, the truth is feeling lonely is part of being human.

I must admit that I have felt pretty lonely since moving back to Israel. Last year, I had distractions and obligations that kept me surrounded by people constantly. I was actually around people so much that the introvert in me was desperate for alone time. I thought living alone now would be the sanctuary I needed to decompress after a long day–but now I have entire days where I am completely alone.

It’s clear now that I’m essentially starting over this time around. Unfortunately, most of the people I had become close with last year are no longer here, and the friends I do have here work during the day…which leaves me very bored and very alone while I’m unemployed.

I never thought I would say this, but I’ve had enough time to myself. Actually, I’ve had too much. I am itching to do things and be around people whenever I can…and if you know me personally, you know how crazy it is for me to admit something like that. 

When I realized how lonely I was, I started to feel a lot of shame. I started to compare my life to everyone I saw on Instagram through the picture-perfect lens social media so kindly provides us. I started to compare my life to everyone I know here too, who had more established lives and jobs and friendships. I started to believe that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have a lot of people in my life here. 

I didn’t want to tell anyone I was feeling this way because I was ashamed of not having it all figured out–of not having the perfect life sorted from the second I stepped off the plane (which BTW, my anxiety told me is a totally normal expectation to have for myself, and when I write it down, I do, in fact, see how totally insane it is).

The shame surrounding loneliness causes us to do everything we possibly can to avoid feeling it. When I’m feeling lonely, I find myself wanting to do things for the sake of doing them, rather than because I actually want to. Loneliness often makes us turn toward things or people we otherwise wouldn’t choose, because all we want is some resemblance of human connection. Loneliness makes people drink more than they know they should, keep unhealthy friendships for the sake of “having friends”, swipe endlessly on dating apps without actually connecting–you get the picture. We all do whatever we can to avoid feeling or seeming lonely. 

But as I finally started to explore my loneliness with curiosity, rather than judgment, I thought: What if I just sit with it? What if I just sit with the discomfort of loneliness and accept that it’s a natural part of life? That feeling lonely isn’t a judgment of my character, but simply a result of my circumstances. What if I just accepted that there is no shame in feeling lonely, or not having a lot of friends–especially when I just moved to a new place? What if I used my loneliness to get to know myself on a deeper level than I ever have before? To find out what I want my life to look like, and then intentionally build that life piece-by-piece?

I want to make it clear that I am in no way trying to glamorize the feeling of loneliness because when we are deep in the feeling, it simply sucks. There’s no better way to put it–it sucks to feel like everyone else has their lives together and I don’t. It sucks to feel like everyone else has an abundance of friends and I don’t. Feeling lonely is not fun in any way, shape, or form, and sometimes it sucks so much that all we can do is cry. 

What I am trying to say is that when I challenge myself to “zoom out” and see my situation for what it is–a girl who just made a huge change and hasn’t had much time to settle and meet people yet–I can see myself as less of a failure and more of a person that is just going through the rollercoaster of life. In my case, loneliness is a normal part of the moving-across-the-world-by-myself process. There are ups and there are downs, and that’s okay. I know that with time, things will get better; I will meet people, I will feel more settled, and I will certainly feel less lonely. 

And soon enough I’m going to be so glad I have my safe, quiet, lonely apartment to unwind in.

Written by Jessica Bard.

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